Feeling Depressed
I am usually a positive person, and I want to live an optimistic life with all that positive thinking stuff, but it's hard to do it if a lot of things don't go your way.
So yeah, this is one depressing blog post. I don't want to do this, but I am so depressed right now and I want to write it all up and hope that it helps me a bit. I've been sad before, and I know this is just temporary, but thinking about the sadness being temporary doesn't really help at all. I know I am risking that my family see this, but hopefully when they do read this it will be a few months or years into the future and we're all ok and I can just shrug this one off as a temporary thing. My family aren't that tech savvy, and I don't think anyone knows about this blog, so that's a plus point that goes toward to "them not seeing this blog post until a few years later" column. Plus, I've been raised in a family where crying is a big no-no. I can't even talk to them about problems unless I'm prepared for it to evolve into an all out shouting match. It may sound like I have a horrible family, but they're not that bad, they're just not that "emotional" about stuff. Which makes being depressed a little bit harder because they won't understand why I'm being all mopey. No, ever since I was young, if I were sad, I deal with it by either hiding it and distracting myself, or crying in private. They will think I'm crazy if I start bawling out my eyes "without any reason." And since I am not really showing any emotions outside, they usually just go on their normal lives. Which makes depression worse. Because you're alone in being sad while they're happy (or at least normal) and they don't know you're depressed. Because you can't tell them. Do I even make sense?
I don't even know why I'm such a cry baby. I've been that way since I was little. When ever I am angry, I cry. Can you imagine having a fight with your parents and you start crying? They will think you're being weak, when in fact you're crying because you're angry and you're trying to keep yourself from doing something horrible. You cry because you can't do anything about the situation.
It's a few days before Christmas and I am depressed because I have not been paid in my current work. Yeah, money isn't the main point of Christmas, but I live in a third world country and I take care of my parents. I have responsibilities. The lack of money depresses me because I am worried that I won't have any money before Christmas. It's depressing because I have been living well for the past 3 years, and then suddenly I am faced with serious debt. Yes, I know it's my fault, I am not blind, you don't have to blame me. I am not like my mom who doesn't ever want to blame herself for anything that has happened to her, and when confronted with the fact that it is her fault she goes into crazy guilt-tripping monologue which of course makes you feel bad about yourself. Makes you wonder if she even feels bad about herself. But why am I talking about her, it's about my depression of having no money for Christmas.
Why don't I just leave my job? Not that easy. Again, I live in a third-world country. If unemployment exists in the US, what more in a developing country? Will I find another job once this is all sorted out? Probably not. I love working for my client. I love my job. Which makes this all the more depressing.
I guess I am not that strong of a positive thinker. But what I know I am is resilient. I will get through this somehow. For now, though, I'll make a blog post about this depressing situation I am currently in and hopefully a year later I can look back at this and smile and say how pathetic I was. Yeah, sorry, I don't like seeing depressing messages in my Facebook account, or watching rants in Youtube, so it's kind of ironic/hypocritical that I am making a whiny blog post right now. But I won't share this with my friends, I don't want them to be burdened with my own personal problems. They won't understand anyway.
If you're reading this and I know you, sorry if you're reading this depressing side of my personality. I don't usually show this to anyone, and now it's out here on the Internet. But that's part of me, so any problems arising from this, I will deal with later.
If you're reading this and I don't know you, can you post a comment and tell me how do you deal with sadness? What do you do? How often do you find yourself being sad?
So yeah, this is one depressing blog post. I don't want to do this, but I am so depressed right now and I want to write it all up and hope that it helps me a bit. I've been sad before, and I know this is just temporary, but thinking about the sadness being temporary doesn't really help at all. I know I am risking that my family see this, but hopefully when they do read this it will be a few months or years into the future and we're all ok and I can just shrug this one off as a temporary thing. My family aren't that tech savvy, and I don't think anyone knows about this blog, so that's a plus point that goes toward to "them not seeing this blog post until a few years later" column. Plus, I've been raised in a family where crying is a big no-no. I can't even talk to them about problems unless I'm prepared for it to evolve into an all out shouting match. It may sound like I have a horrible family, but they're not that bad, they're just not that "emotional" about stuff. Which makes being depressed a little bit harder because they won't understand why I'm being all mopey. No, ever since I was young, if I were sad, I deal with it by either hiding it and distracting myself, or crying in private. They will think I'm crazy if I start bawling out my eyes "without any reason." And since I am not really showing any emotions outside, they usually just go on their normal lives. Which makes depression worse. Because you're alone in being sad while they're happy (or at least normal) and they don't know you're depressed. Because you can't tell them. Do I even make sense?
I don't even know why I'm such a cry baby. I've been that way since I was little. When ever I am angry, I cry. Can you imagine having a fight with your parents and you start crying? They will think you're being weak, when in fact you're crying because you're angry and you're trying to keep yourself from doing something horrible. You cry because you can't do anything about the situation.
It's a few days before Christmas and I am depressed because I have not been paid in my current work. Yeah, money isn't the main point of Christmas, but I live in a third world country and I take care of my parents. I have responsibilities. The lack of money depresses me because I am worried that I won't have any money before Christmas. It's depressing because I have been living well for the past 3 years, and then suddenly I am faced with serious debt. Yes, I know it's my fault, I am not blind, you don't have to blame me. I am not like my mom who doesn't ever want to blame herself for anything that has happened to her, and when confronted with the fact that it is her fault she goes into crazy guilt-tripping monologue which of course makes you feel bad about yourself. Makes you wonder if she even feels bad about herself. But why am I talking about her, it's about my depression of having no money for Christmas.
Why don't I just leave my job? Not that easy. Again, I live in a third-world country. If unemployment exists in the US, what more in a developing country? Will I find another job once this is all sorted out? Probably not. I love working for my client. I love my job. Which makes this all the more depressing.
I guess I am not that strong of a positive thinker. But what I know I am is resilient. I will get through this somehow. For now, though, I'll make a blog post about this depressing situation I am currently in and hopefully a year later I can look back at this and smile and say how pathetic I was. Yeah, sorry, I don't like seeing depressing messages in my Facebook account, or watching rants in Youtube, so it's kind of ironic/hypocritical that I am making a whiny blog post right now. But I won't share this with my friends, I don't want them to be burdened with my own personal problems. They won't understand anyway.
If you're reading this and I know you, sorry if you're reading this depressing side of my personality. I don't usually show this to anyone, and now it's out here on the Internet. But that's part of me, so any problems arising from this, I will deal with later.
If you're reading this and I don't know you, can you post a comment and tell me how do you deal with sadness? What do you do? How often do you find yourself being sad?
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